King of my Heart

 

I remember singing this in church a few years back and leaving the service with angry tears burning my eyes. The church kept repeating, “You are good, good, ohhh.” I sang it with hesitation, memories flooding my brain with every word. Memories that shouted, “you are not good.” I tried to sing louder to drown out the pain that invaded my heart, to drown out the questions and confusion.

I’ve come so far, how can I question God yet again?

But still, the past haunted my worship and I left the church, unable to handle the pain. Maybe God wasn’t good. If he was good, how could he allow his child to deal with so much? How could he put such struggle and hurt on me?

It’s funny really, because this is now one of my favorite songs, and I sing it with conviction. I know, more fully than ever before (and still not fully enough), that God is so, so good. I could sing this all day long, because I know it’s true.

Not because my life is perfect and things feel good all the time. But because I know who the King of Kings is. And I know He’s good. I see where He’s brought me from. And I realize those painful nights, those seasons filled with sin and trial, were not God. Mistreatment did not come from God. Addictions did not come from God. Depression, suicide, darkness… none of it comes from God.

But rescue, that came from God. Freedom, that came from God. Overcoming, that came from God. Joy, peace, and love like I’ve never known… that’s all from God.

I don’t know why He didn’t stop the struggles. But I do know I would not be here today if it weren’t for the almighty power of my Savior. I do know that I could be in darker places, if God didn’t graciously give me a choice.

““Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. ¹⁵ And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:14-15

Choose this day. I don’t feel angry when I hear about the goodness of God anymore. I don’t get mad as often when I see people with “easier” lives or an ability to trust and love without strings. Because I keep choosing life.

He is King. He is God. He is good. Even to me. He is so, so good. Especially to me. This grace that covers my so many sins catapults more and more love.

“I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13

To the king of my heart. Thank you for the love that endures forever. Thank you for the grace to see your goodness. Thank you for this life. Thank you.