I’m finally seeing the light again.
That tunnel was long. And dark. I honestly didn’t know if it would end.
I’m realizing things I should and shouldn’t do to keep me in the light. Alive. Feeling like I can make it.
I’m realizing I can be free. Of all of this. Even if it takes a lifetime, it’s worth it. It’s possible. I am okay.
And I will not lose to the darkness.
When I found out one of my Mercy sisters took her life, it broke me. And broke me. And still breaks me I guess, as tears are welling in my eyes while I write this, even though I’m having a happy day.
When I think of my time at Mercy, I think of hope, freedom, and victory. I think of struggles that always end in overcoming.
To think that a beautiful, strong, faithful woman I had seen fight and WIN battles in her mind, flesh, and spirit… to think she put so much effort into living, into fighting to find a way, into struggling to live after the hurt and heartache and pain she endured in life… and then just to end it.
It breaks me.
Because I know the fight. I know the pain. I know the hurt and the struggle and the darkness that tries to rob you of your life.
And if I’m honest, I’m afraid of it.
My flesh screamed at God for days. So many questions and not enough answers. I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t see anything really, except the blinding hurt of life bubbling out of myself.
It passed. That might have been the longest and darkest tunnel I’ve endured for a while. But it passed.
I wrote a note to my sad self after my first happy day in a long time. In case the sadness overwhelms me again. And this is for anyone who’s feeling the darkness of life.
“Hey beautiful one. Yes, you. I know you don’t feel very beautiful right now. I know maybe you’ve done some not so beautiful things.
It’s okay, my dear self, it’s okay. Maybe it feels like you’ll never be okay again. I know.
It will. This WILL pass. I promise.
Don’t give up. Please, dear self, don’t give up. I’m on the other side! I can breathe again! Life will come to you once again. It might take a week. It might take a month. It might be the most agonizing time of your life. Don’t give up. Life and hope are coming to you. You will feel something other than pain again.
This too shall pass. And it does. Every time. I know you’re tired. I know it’s a lot of back and forth. It’s frustrating. I know. But you have a purpose. You have a reason to be here. Do not break, my lovely self, do not give in to the dark.
Even when you’re broken. Even when everything around you feels uncertain, unwell, so dark you want to be swallowed by it.
You are worth more. And, my sad self, this won’t last forever. Before you know it the sun will shine in your heart again.
Go back to God. Sing “restoration.” Cry on your knees and let Him hold you again.
It’s not too late for you dear one. It’s not over. This is not the end. I promise you self, it will be okay. Everything will work out. You are loved. You are valued. You are worth more than you know.
I LOVE YOU SELF. YOU ARE FUNNY, SILLY, SMART, LOVELY, EXCITING, ADVENTUROUS, ATHLETIC, AND CAPABLE OF HUGE THINGS. You are wonderful. Keep on my dear.”
It’s not over. The pain will pass. God is there. I know it doesn’t feel like it all the time. But He is there. Let Him be there for you. Let Him love you. You will feel okay again. Just keep on. It’s okay if you can’t fight for life on your own. Ask someone to fight for you.
The sun will come up, and you will feel alive again. Hold on for hope, this is not the end.