It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

How many times have I told myself that? How many times have I started following a great idea and plan, only to end up completely and utterly messed up, thinking, “it was not supposed to end this way!”

How many times have I started this journey with God, full of good intentions, and fallen, hard? I restart again. Okay, I can do this. I WILL be a beautiful Christian, God fearing woman. Proverbs 31 right? LOL go ahead and start laughing now. You are not reading the words of a Proverbs 31 woman.

I’ve spent a lot of time unsatisfied. Since I was a little girl I was aware of the ache in my heart, something missing. I longed for hugs to fill me. They weren’t enough.

As I’ve grown older, the hole of unsatisfaction has only grown bigger. Wider. Deeper. Longer. I’ve tried everything to fill the ache inside, but nothing has helped. Food, drugs, and sex can only keep you happy for so long.

Eventually the food leaves and the hunger returns. Eventually you have to come down from the high, and “low” is your new normal. Eventually sex ends, and the moments of pleasure are over. Was the momentary release worth it? (Let’s be honest, sometimes it is. For the moment. But the pleasure of sin is never worth disobeying God.)

Still seeking, still searching, still empty.

I’ve heard so many testimonies of people in church saying they struggled with such and such addiction BUT THEN they met God and He satisfied that place of emptiness.

I tried to make that my story too. I had some addictions. I found Jesus. I had a real moment of repentance. And after lots of rehab and therapy, I went ahead and exchanged one addiction for another.

Recently I’ve had to confront the question, “Did I fully let Jesus come into that place of hurt, shame, heartache, and pain?” Or did I simply meet Him, want Him to love me, yet refuse to fully obey, filling the place with yet another comfort of the world?

“The whole transaction of religious conversion has been made mechanical and spiritless… Christ may be “received” without creating any special love for Him in the soul of the receiver. The man is “saved”, but he is not hungry or thirsty after God. In fact, he is specifically taught to be satisfied and encouraged to be content with little.” A. W. Tozer

All this time I wanted to be satisfied and content with little. I wanted the satisfaction of God without the obedience on my part. I wanted to experience the fullness of God’s glory, without experiencing the suffering that got Him there.

Is it possible that real Christianity, real life with Christ, is really a journey of unsatisfaction? A journey of “I want MORE God. MORE OF YOU?”

Maybe we were not made to pray a prayer and be “done.”

Maybe we weren’t created to open our bibles for quiet time in the morning, and then go throughout our day the same way anyone else would. Maybe we weren’t created for a dull, meaningless, boring Christian life.

Maybe we are truly to be co-heirs with Christ like the bible says. Maybe we truly are children of God, and that adoption process isn’t only for 10 minutes of prayer each day and 2 hours on a Sunday. Maybe I really am the workmanship of God, and it is a 24/7 thing.

Does anyone else feel this?  The bible said Christ came to give us ABUNDANT life. Where are the abundantly living Christians?

Are we so stuck in the world and the busy-ness and the work that we give God a TIME in our day instead of THE ENTIRE THING?

What would life look like if we lived unsatisfied? What if we asked God for more?

I’m asking God for more. And after I ask, I’m not going to keep on with my day like nothing happened, waiting on a miracle to pop out of nowhere when I’m busy with the “other parts of my life”. I’m going to, like my pastor says, “live like God is telling the truth.” During work, during school, during meals, at the gym (like I actually go, haha). I want to live different. I want to be transformed.

What would life look like then?

It might be surprisingly satisfying to live life unsatified.

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