Prone To Wander

I’ve turned over a new leaf. I guess it’s that time of year. Leaves falling, seasons changing, (weather being incredibly bipolar-yup, looks like I’m one with the season!)…

I came to Liberty intending to change. I wanted change, I needed change. This isn’t a ‘Liberty changed my life’ kind of post. It wasn’t the school that caused this. It’s the pull on my heart that has been tugging since before I came to Liberty for college; the same pull that prompted me to come here in the first place.

I wish I could sing “I have decided, to follow Jesus.. no turning back, no turning back…” and smile and dance and be happy for ever after.

But I am so hesitant to do that.
For fear of being a hypocrite.

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.. Here’s my heart, oh, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above…” would be a much more accurate tune to sing.

Because I have decided to follow Jesus and not turn back many times. But I’ve turned back. I’ve glimpsed, I’ve slowly faded, I’ve deliberately walked the road I said I never would again. I’ve purposefully said no to God after promising yes for the rest of my days. I’ve recognized the “Judas” in me and didn’t care. All under the umbrella of “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back.”

I might fall again.

All I can do is ask God to take and seal it, preserve what is left, heal the broken parts, and help me to continue to rely on Him to make me new.

I’ve seen verses lately.. “be still and know that I am God” “You only need to be still, the Lord will fight for you.”

That’s very nice. And I’m sure it’s applicable. For those good, patient, trial enduring Christians who can simply be still and know that God is, and that’s enough.

I’ve found in this time, right now, I am needing to be a little more active than that. I’m not necessarily trained in the “good, patient, trial enduring Christian” lifestyle. I’ve experienced trials, yes. But I would not use the words “good”, “patient”, or “enduring” to describe myself during those times.

    I can’t simply be still, because that is when my mind is the loudest.

And it’s generally not loud in Truth.

I have been free for about 4 years now from the struggles that enslaved and took over my mind and body. But I still don’t have to ability to “simply be still” and not have those demons whispering the old lies into my head. Because I spent so many years, days, hours, minutes, seconds obsessing and thinking about those addictions, it is difficult to ‘un remember’ those things.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.

Sin makes me obsessed. So now that I’m giving my heart to God again, I have to admit, my obsession is not Him. And that’s my problem. When I’m being still, I’m thinking of the pain, the hurt, the sin, the shame, and the desire for more of that. It sickens me. I’m saying “Im sorry Lord, please forgive me,” and in the very same thought process I’m thinking “if only once more…”

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.

So I can’t be still. I’m being loud. I’m shouting thanks to God for things I don’t ‘feel’ very thankful for. I’m yelling Truths just because I need to drown out the sound of my sinful mind beckoning me to turn back. No turning back? Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.

I’m not perfect. I’m not even doing this completely right. But I’m alive. I’m making it, I’m going one step at a time. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love… here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.

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