I haven’t updated my blog in almost a year… Not because I had nothing to say, but so much was going on inside my head it was a struggle to articulate any single thought. This year has been so difficult on me. I reread my past posts and I wondered, ‘Who is that girl?! She is so strong.’ It’s been over 3 1/2 years since I graduated from Mercy, and for over 2 1/2 of those years, I stood strong. Not that I didn’t struggle and have some backslides; I did. But I always got up, always kept fighting. I trusted God so much.
I reread my post about Africa tonight and it brought me to tears. For all it said. For all it didn’t say. For the unspoken, the lack of courage, the fear of bravery. For the realization that I don’t have to be the broken girl. again. anymore. ever?
After those six months, I still fought. For a good 4 months, I had begged God to take away the pain. I had begged Him to heal my mind, my memories, my thoughts, my desires. I prayed, I sang, I danced, I read, I meditated, I memorized. I finally got tired. For almost 3 years I struggled and fought. It’s tiring. It’s courageous. It’s painful. It’s brave. It’s exhaustive. It’s admired. It’s scary. It takes a lot out of you. It makes you tired.
I gave up.
But not completely.
I didn’t want to give up. I tried so hard not to. I looked up doctors, friends, leaders, people who help. I wasn’t able to be one hundred percent honest. I couldn’t admit to myself how low I had gotten. How low I had allowed myself to get. Again.
I gave up, but not completely. I’ve spent the better part of the year picking up the pieces, taking unsteady footsteps, testing the waters and trying to walk. Trying to understand my anger. at God. my disappointment. in God. My confusion. about God. Did I mention my anger?
I don’t have answers, but I realize I’m a little less mad. An old roommate sent me the link to a song that says “Even what the enemy means for evil, You turn it for our good, and for Your glory. Even in the valley you are faithful, You’re working for our good, and for Your glory… Your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us..”
Maybe I’ve projected my anger at God, when it’s meant for the enemy. I don’t know why God allows things to happen as He does, especially bad things that happen over and over again. “How many times have you heard me cry out ‘God please take this?'”
I’m noticing every day I feel a little less angry and a little more okay. I still have days where I blame God, and the disappointment I feel in God, those days I feel forgotten and rejected, it still hurts. I’m taking it one day at a time.
I know this isn’t my usual type of blog posting. If you want to read ‘strong Jessica’s posts’, they’re really good, so you can still read them. They encourage me anyways. I believe strong Jessica will be back. But for now, I’ll be blogging about where I am right now. Mark says I still am Strong Jessica, because I’m still alive, I’m not falling into my old addictions, and I’m living life ‘normally’ (aka going to school, going to work, etc. …what ‘normal’ people are is still unknown, so do comment if you know where they are and what they do, I’d love for some ‘normal’ tips! haha) Mark told me I don’t need to be perfect to be strong. I’m thankful for that.
So I’m imperfectly going to continue being ‘strong’, and trying to trust that God IS still loving and still faithful and has not left me to do this on my own. I’m trying to trust God is STILL my protector. And that what the enemy means for evil, God will turn into good.
I never wanted to give up. So I won’t. One step at a time.