I never wanted to give up. So I won’t.

I haven’t updated my blog in almost a year… Not because I had nothing to say, but so much was going on inside my head it was a struggle to articulate any single thought. This year has been so difficult on me. I reread my past posts and I wondered, ‘Who is that girl?! She is so strong.’ It’s been over 3 1/2 years since I graduated from Mercy, and for over 2 1/2 of those years, I stood strong. Not that I didn’t struggle and have some backslides; I did. But I always got up, always kept fighting. I trusted God so much.

I reread my post about Africa tonight and it brought me to tears. For all it said. For all it didn’t say. For the unspoken, the lack of courage, the fear of bravery. For the realization that I don’t have to be the broken girl. again. anymore. ever?

After those six months, I still fought. For a good 4 months, I had begged God to take away the pain. I had begged Him to heal my mind, my memories, my thoughts, my desires. I prayed, I sang, I danced, I read, I meditated, I memorized. I finally got tired. For almost 3 years I struggled and fought. It’s tiring. It’s courageous. It’s painful. It’s brave. It’s exhaustive. It’s admired. It’s scary. It takes a lot out of you. It makes you tired.

I gave up.
But not completely.

I didn’t want to give up. I tried so hard not to. I looked up doctors, friends, leaders, people who help. I wasn’t able to be one hundred percent honest. I couldn’t admit to myself how low I had gotten. How low I had allowed myself to get. Again.

I gave up, but not completely. I’ve spent the better part of the year picking up the pieces, taking unsteady footsteps, testing the waters and trying to walk. Trying to understand my anger. at God. my disappointment. in God. My confusion. about God. Did I mention my anger?

I don’t have answers, but I realize I’m a little less mad. An old roommate sent me the link to a song that says “Even what the enemy means for evil, You turn it for our good, and for Your glory. Even in the valley you are faithful, You’re working for our good, and for Your glory… Your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us..”

Maybe I’ve projected my anger at God, when it’s meant for the enemy. I don’t know why God allows things to happen as He does, especially bad things that happen over and over again. “How many times have you heard me cry out ‘God please take this?'”

I’m noticing every day I feel a little less angry and a little more okay. I still have days where I blame God, and the disappointment I feel in God, those days I feel forgotten and rejected, it still hurts. I’m taking it one day at a time.

I know this isn’t my usual type of blog posting. If you want to read ‘strong Jessica’s posts’, they’re really good, so you can still read them. They encourage me anyways. I believe strong Jessica will be back. But for now, I’ll be blogging about where I am right now. Mark says I still am Strong Jessica, because I’m still alive, I’m not falling into my old addictions, and I’m living life ‘normally’ (aka going to school, going to work, etc. …what ‘normal’ people are is still unknown, so do comment if you know where they are and what they do, I’d love for some ‘normal’ tips! haha) Mark told me I don’t need to be perfect to be strong. I’m thankful for that.

So I’m imperfectly going to continue being ‘strong’, and trying to trust that God IS still loving and still faithful and has not left me to do this on my own. I’m trying to trust God is STILL my protector. And that what the enemy means for evil, God will turn into good.

I never wanted to give up. So I won’t. One step at a time.

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7 Responses to I never wanted to give up. So I won’t.

  1. your bestest friend carly says:

    I love you so much!! You are one of the strongest people I know, and because of your strength, I am stronger too. You stand by me and we go through things together and we help each other through. I admire your strength, even when you don’t think you are. I’m here for you and not going anywhere I promise. I love you so much ❤

  2. thesimplicityoflove says:

    i like Mark. i love you. i adore Jesus.

  3. Alexis Burger says:

    Darling, there is so much strength in your weakness, your vulnerability. You are not alone in this.

  4. MaryElla says:

    Jess keeping it real is so important!! He loves us for or because of our imperfections! you are such a blessing to so many Just continue to keep it Real!! I love you and am so encouraged by your realness!! Love you & Miss you!!

  5. There’s a book by someone whose name escapes me for the moment…the book’s title is ‘Normal Is Just The Setting On A Dryer.’ REALLY! I have yet to meet someone who is normal (some may believe they are, but we know better, right?).

    Jessica, PLEASE don’t ever feel you must be Strong Jessica, Perfect Jessica or some other form of a Jessica who has made it through to the other side of all the pain, suffering, struggles, dysfunction, etc., in order for you to write and/or to be believable as a writer. NO NO NO!!!

    Write from JUST where you are, from your beautiful and messy and broken and joyful, sincere heart!!! More people will be able to relate to you and your realness.

    Glad to see you back here, young lady. Much love. ❤

  6. Amen to everything Pam said…and the author of the book is Patsy Clairmont – who overcame agoraphobia to become a well known speaker and part of the Women of Faith tour. I have the book if you ever want to read it.

    I too am glad you’re back to blogging. No one wants to read a post where the person seems to have it so together that the reader can’t possibly hope to reach that height. They want to know they aren’t alone in things.

    There is so much I’d like to write here, to ask you, to talk about. Maybe we could do lunch one day?

    In the meantime, write what’s on your heart. God will use it. In our weakness, He’s made strong 🙂

  7. Jessica — one more thing.

    Last night, after I powered down my computer and before I went to bed, I found this in a book I just began reading called ‘When Will My Life NOT Suck?’ (interestingly enough, written by a pastor/ counselor). It totally lines up with how I believe all of us here commenting (and who know you in ‘real life!) see you and your blog writing. Speaking about the author’s book, the person writing the foreword has this to say:

    (It) ‘is written not from an ivory tower, but from the trenches of life.’ And:

    ‘The people who write best write honestly. Truth always leads to hope and freedom.’

    So there ya go. Amen.

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