When God said GO… and the awkward moment i said YES

I’m going to Africa.  Wow.  It still hasn’t really sunk in yet… I guess I
never imagined everything working out, all our plans coming together, and me
finally GOING.  But here I am, a week and a half away from boarding that plane
for Tanzania.  There is a seat on that plane with my name on it. 
crazy.

A lot of people have asked me why I’m going.  Actually, almost
everyone I’ve  told here in PA/NJ, their first response was ‘Why?! Aren’t you
still at Baylor? or is this for school?’

I’ve had a lot of time to think
of an answer for everyone.  The question is valid, afterall I was a part of an
amazing school (I’d say the best university anyone could ever attend, but then
again i am alittle partial..), i have friends there who are absolutely
wonderful, and I even had a leadership position on campus.  I had a job that I
LOVE ready for me for the summer. All of those things are good, and could have
kept me in school.  But I’m not going for school credit, and I’m not going for
some kind of ‘foreign exchange.’

Really, I’m going because I have a
relationship with Jesus Christ.  I used to say that lightly, like it was no big
deal.  But here’s the thing; it’s a big deal.  He is my SAVIOR, my healer, my
redeemer, my friend, my Father, He is faithful, He came to earth a King but
lived as a Servant, He never once made a mistake, but died as a criminal, death
can’t hold Him down, He rose from the grave, He is Power, He is Love, and HE IS
TRUTH.
I’ve been taking Him for granted, taking His love for granted as if
he was ‘just another lover.’  I’ve doubted His strength, His power, by looking
at myself instead of the cross.

I have a relationship with Jesus.  One
day when I was praying, early in the semester, He told me to ‘Go and make
disciples.’  Very clearly, I was sure it was the voice of the Lord.  I didn’t
know what to do, so I did what my flesh does best – I ignored it.  Let it go,
and moved on.  But it was persistant, every time I opened my bible, every time i
sat quietly, everytime I waited on the Lord.  I eventually got to the end of
myself and my own ways.  I cried in confusion one night, wondering why school
wasn’t going right, wondering why my heart was feeling so hurt.  I asked God,
“What do you want me to do?”  ANd again, I heard “Go, and make disciples.”  In
my frustration I literally cried “Fine, WHERE am I supposed to do this?”  while
inside my heart cried “ME?”  But I saw a picture of me dancing with children and
somehow I knew I was in Africa.

So I started looking up missions in the
direction God was leading me.  I found confirmation after confirmation when I
found the YWAM Morogoro website.  On it were different scriptures God had given
me… everything was lining up with what I heard from the Lord.  It really
encouraged my faith seeing that I wasn’t crazy, Jesus really was speaking to
me!
And then the door was closed.  Due to my own past poor choices, due to
present struggles, due to my inability to choose Truth instead of my own
emotions, the door I thought was from the Lord was shut right in my face.  And
there was nothing I could do but cry.  But in that moment, I realized what I
wanted most in my life.  It wasn’t attention from others, it wasn’t special
treatment in school, it was Jesus.  I wanted His presence, His power, His love
in my life.  I wanted to be able to follow the will of the Lord with nothing
holding me back.  SO i started making choices accordingly.

I started
making choices that bring change even though I knew Africa was no longer an
option.  I reminded myself of the Truths I learned at Mercy, completely ignoring
how i ‘felt’ and what my flesh wanted.. i stood in blind trust that who I am in
Christ IS, in fact, WHO I REALLY AM.  No matter how I felt in the moment, I
trusted that I AM a child of God, that I am redeemed and forgiven, that I cannot
be seperated from the Love of God, I am established, annointed, and sealed by
God, I am a citizen of heaven, I have not been given a spirit of fear but of
power love and a sound mind, I am God’s workmanship, chosen and appointed to
bear fruit, I am accepted, secure, and significant in CHRIST ALONE.

While
I expected to go back to Bayor, I was still hearing “Go and make disciples of
all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit…” but
I figured i misunderstood or heard wrong the first time since what I thought I
heard didn’t work out, so I yet again ignored it.  Until one day, out of the
blue, with Africa waay in the back of my mind, not even thinking it was an
option, the door opened again.

And I had to make what felt like the most
difficult choice ever.  I was REALLY looking forward to going back to Baylor, to
taking classes I liked (including ballet and karate. HA.), to making lasting
friendships with people who loved me, and love Jesus even more.  I really wanted
to take advantage of what Baylor had to offer.  But different circumstances led
me to realize I needed to stay home for a couple months and go to Africa when it
was time.  Basically, i realized I could not say no to Jesus.  THe options were
so clear to me, God said GO, and no matter how bad my flesh wanted to say NO, i
couldn’t.  So I made the awkward decsion to say YES. 

I don’t regret
it.  And I’m not even there yet.
Praise God!

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